Transgress Prevarication
by Falleth
Summary: Misunderstandings commits the fall of wickedness. One shinigami violates the law of God, a faux pas, falling deeper drowning in his own sin. How can you breathe? RenjiRukia RukiaIchigo
1. Chapter 1: Suffocating

(**A/N) This story is set after the Arrancar arc but before the Hueco Mundo arc. This fanfiction contains angst and dark themes not suitable for younger viewers. Rating may change. **

**Title: Transgress Prevarication**

**Pairings: Renji/Rukia, slight hints of Rukia/Ichigo **

**Rated T for angst, language, violence.**

**Summary: Misunderstandings commits the fall of wickedness. One shinigami violates the law of God, a faux pas, falling deeper drowning in his own sin. How can you breathe?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or the characters.**

Blah - talking

_Blah - thoughts_

**Chapter 1: Suffocating **

* * *

The night fell to an uncomfortable silence. Shadows hugged every corner of the room, black emptiness richer then darkness itself lingered heavily inside the four walls. He couldn't breathe. How could one breathe while drowning? Broad shoulders shrugged, a soft hiss escaped parted lips from the sudden movement. A figure laid flat across the cool floor, his deep crimson hair (missing the usual tie) scattered. Scowling, the vice-captain slowly opened his topaz eyes staring blankly at the suffocating darkness. The deep dark abyss became all too familiar with the mans life, his heart, mind and soul succumbing to its cold clutches. Renji could no longer stomach the sight.

Groaning, he turn to face the wall, wishing to see anything other then pitch black. He scowled at the pitiful remains of his shinigami uniform, grimacing from the sight of his torn blood stained shihakushoÇ. The Hollow he last encountered with dealt serious damage to his torso. Razor sharp claws pierced through his chest, tearing his body apart. Thank Kami he followed his gut feeling and rolled forward, or his head would've been decapitated. It was one of the benefits from living in Rukongai, to always be aware (paranoid?), of your surroundings. One swing and Zabimaru descended in the night sky slicing the wretched Hollow into pieces leaving black dust and a bloody Death God.

Renji shuddered at the thought of his near death experience as he rolled unto his blood spotted futon, bandaging his own wounds, stifling cries of pain so not to disturbed Urahara-san who most likely fell asleep hours before. Always staying quiet.

"From shinigami to freeloader in seconds...pathetic," Whispering to himself harshly biting his lip from another strike of pain running along his back. Blinking, his eyes locked with the shadowed ceiling, staring at nothing but black, always black. "Just...pathetic..."

He was drowning again.

* * *

Morning came too early as usual. Renji never really slept anymore. Too many nightmares and open wounds distracting him from sleep. _Dry flaky blood, stiff joints is rather uncomfortable. _Regrets and goals plaguing his already shattered mind. It was for the best, it was better for everyone else not to worry about demons lurking in throughout the night. Monsters can stay in those closets and under the beds for all he cared. Such idiocy.

Quickly making his way to the bathroom to avoid any eye contact or conversation from the other occupants living in the shop he slammed the door shut locking it. Stripping his sleeping wear carefully, the lieutenant felt his stomach twist when the blood soaked fabric clung to his skin. _Better clean that later on today. _Adjusting the taps in the small shower he removed the dirty, blotch bandages till the room filled with steam.

The hot water felt wonderful against his sensitive skin. Renji would soon lose himself in the same daydream, the hot droplets would wash away his sin, cleanse his body of filth and make him pure. It burn, but in a good way, until the water cooled and suddenly dropped to an ice cold temperature and the fantasy would be ruin. Then he would reluctantly dry his body, re-bandage his wounds, tie a white towel around his slimming waist and toss the bloody clothes in a garbage bag to be clean later. It was the same ritual every morning. Fight, sleep, clean; repeat if necessary. Renji felt light headed, a headache already throbbing inside his skull, the first sign of the day that he will awaken in hell once again.

Stepping out of the bathroom with the plastic bag sling over his shoulder, the usual path to his _room _was blocked. Two little figures that is, one meek black haired girl while the other, a small red head boy with a scowl planted on his face.

"Oi, freeloader you took all the hot water again this morning!" Jinta scoffed crossing his arms, "When the water bill comes in the mail you'll be charged you lazy ass." Renji felt his eye twitched, the boy always called him lazy every day, every night even though the shinigami cleans the shop, train for hours on end, stays late at night to kill Hollows, finish unfinished paper work from Soul Society and still make it to school. Keeping his mask up, he shrugged, not bothering to give an answer out of weariness then annoyance. Jinta stomped his foot in frustration muttering something along the line of no-good-lazy-tattoo-freak.

"Ano...freeloader-san good morning," Ururu's quiet voice almost barely heard from the boy's rant. "Will you be joining us for breakfast?" Jinta grinned facing the shinigami.

"Maybe we should cut your meals to pay for the water bills..."

With a frown, the tattooed man walked passed the two children without an answer heading straight for his room. Slamming the second door this morning, he quickly changed into the school uniform he was forced to wear. Urahara-san thought it was best for Renji to attend school for now until they could figure out Aizen's next moves. He snorted, it was a waste of time, but he would do it to see her. Even if it was a glimpse he would see Rukia. Unable to stop the smile from the thought of the dark eyed girl he slipped on his grey jacket to hide the bandages. Uruhara-san would not be concern, nor would the two brats give any care about his health but Rukia would question him. Maybe...of course...well...

Use to anyways. If it involved the other bright haired shinigami she would care.

Halting his movements, anger surged through his veins. All he saw was black, the heavy weight descending on his shoulders once more. Rukia's saviour. The damn wannabe Death God that caught his best friends attention and complete devotion. Kurosaki Ichigo.

Ichigo this, and Ichigo that. That was all Rukia would talk to him about, or she would always bring his name into their conversations. It was annoying, it hurt him but the female shinigami would never noticed. She only cared for the human. A fifteen year old human who is one tenth their age. Just a kid.

Renji felt his heart ache. Bringing a shaky hand to his chest he took deep breaths, fighting the dark feeling that threaten to take his body. "Not today, please not today," he whispered, voice quivering. He refused to fall apart and let the abhorrent emotions take control. _Focus on your goals and regrets, the only thing that is keeping you alive. _Calming his body, he sighed wishing for nightfall to descend so that he could go out and kill more Hollows. A knock brought him back from his thoughts.

"Ano...sorry to disturb you freeloader-san but breakfast is ready," Ururu's small voice spoke to him.

"Gomen kudasai, Ururu-san but I'm not...hungry this morning," That was a lie. Renji couldn't remember the last time he had eaten, not that anyone cared or anything. His stomach tighten at the thought of food and he felt sick.

There was a short pause. "Oh, okay then we will see you at dinner tonight, have a good day freeloader-san..." Light footsteps scurried away quickly leaving the shinigami alone with his thoughts. Renji suddenly felt unwelcomed.

* * *

The walk to school was slow and quiet. Renji would have loved to walk with Rukia, perhaps discussed plans for the weekend or engage in conversation about the previous events from last night. Just hearing her voice would make his heart flutter. It would never happen though, she always walks with _him _every morning.

"Don't think like that, don't think that now," he muttered to himself.

"Don't think like what Renji?"

That voice made his heart melt, the tough mask he wore slipped away and a warm smile spread across his lips. Looking over his shoulder he grinned. "Good morning Rukia," _I've missed you..._

The noble smiled back, but soon frowned. "Where were you yesterday?" Concern laced in her voice and Renji felt his heart soar. Wait yesterday?

"What?"

She sighed, "Yesterday night we were all supposed to go to the movies remember?" Blinking once he tried to remember. Right last night, he was tired so tired.

"Oh that...right." All of them planned that night, but it wouldn't be right for Renji to tag along. Inoue, Ishida, Chad...Ichigo. They were her friends not his. He didn't want to freeload off them, he did that enough everywhere else so why bother being a burden to the rest of them.

Rukia crossed her arms, her eyes narrowed. It seemed she was not pleased with him missing last nights events. "Well why didn't you come?"

_Because I was busy protecting the city so you and your friends would have a wonderful night, because I don't deserve their pity, because he was there with you... _Renji scratched behind his neck.

"Well...ano...I..."

"Good morning!" A high pitched cheery voice averted Rukia's attention saving him. Sighing in relief he was glad to see Inoue. Following behind her the others soon followed. Chad was silent as usual waving hello while Ishida simply said morning. Before Renji could reply back he saw orange spiky hair and brown eyes. His mood soured instantly.

"Good morning Kurosaki-kun," Inoue chirped as usual standing beside the bright haired Death God.

"Morning Inoue, morning everyone, Rukia you sure are excited to get to school today, thought I lost ya for a sec!" Rukia smiled playfully smacking Ichigo's shouder.

"You're too slow that's why," The group of teenagers shared a laugh, except for Renji.

His eyes followed his best friends movements, they way she smack Ichigo, they way she laughed and that smile, God that smile. _I can't make her laugh like that. Why can't I make her smile like that. _

He felt cold, emptiness feeling his heart and he felt alone.

He couldn't breathe.

* * *

**Well that's everything for now. **

**Sorry about the really angsty Renji but in my point of view, I find that Renji truly cares for Rukia but never gets a chance to really show his feelings or have his feelings accepted. And that would tear him apart. Of course he has to wear a mask to not appear weak but sooner or later that mask will break. If it's too OOC I apologize. My first Bleach fanfiction. Hope you enjoyed it. Will be updated soon.**


	2. Chapter 2: Desolate

(**A/N) This story is set after the Arrancar arc but before the Hueco Mundo arc. This fanfiction contains angst and dark themes not suitable for younger viewers. Rating may change. **

**Title: Transgress Prevarication**

**Pairings: Renji/Rukia, slight hints of Rukia/Ichigo **

**Rated T for angst, language, violence.**

**Summary: Misunderstandings commits the fall of wickedness. One shinigami violates the law of God, a faux pas, falling deeper drowning in his own sin. How can you breathe?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or the characters.**

Blah - talking

_Blah - thoughts_

**Chapter 2: Desolate**

* * *

Renji sighed as he glanced out the window. The second period had only begun a mere ten minutes ago and he was feeling jittery already. The red head tapped his foot with anticipation, eagerly waiting for a hollow attack, hoping to escape the boring lecture of polynomials. Oh so he told himself. 

Mathematics were not enough to distract him from the object of his affection. Dark red eyes drifted from the blue sky outside towards a petite girl sitting two seats from his right, three seats in front. He counted how far apart they were, he would never tell anyone why. They would probably think he was weird. Renji had his reasons though.

Rukia, oblivious to Renji's hard stare, payed full attention in class. Her small slender hands quickly writing notes for future exams. Dark eyes that equally matched her dark short hair, squinted at the small equations scattered across the black board. A small frown creasing her perfect porcelain face whenever she misunderstood a question. It was cute, simply adorable and...

_Perfect... _thought the crimson shinigami, absolutely perfect. Though these classes were unbearably long and boring, this was the only time he could feel at peace. As long as he had one minute to be able to admire her from afar, he wouldn't ask for more. But those were in his academy days which were decades ago, and one minute was never enough anymore. He yearned for her touch, a simple hug, a comforting hand on the shoulder. Renji wished she would ask him if he was alright, why he was acting different recently, why he lost weight and had dark bags under his eyes.

In his mind, he knew it was such a selfish thing to wish for, but the stray dog _is_ dyed into his bones, begging for attention like any other mutt would. Such simple acknowledgment would brighten his gloomy days. But instead, the raven hair shinigami would refuse to meet his eyes. Will never ask him about his problems or concerns about his health. She was already preoccupied with the substitute shinigami to notice him anyways.

Clenching his hands into fists, tight enough to make the knuckles white, Renji tore his eyes off Rukia and instead endured the pointless lecture about integers or somewhat. It was childish to feel so jealous and want attention. He was a shinigami, they do not feel pain, they do not have emotions. They fight, and fight again. Renji furiously scribbled across his blank paper a failed attempt to pass the time.

* * *

A great power above blessed Renji as he heard the class dismissal bell rang throughout the school. Letting out a sigh of relief he stood from his desk, groaning from the movements causing strain on his wounds. The gashes along his chest will take some time to heal. Hopefully nobody will notice his slight discomfort, the shinigami knew he would have to be extra cautious during the next few days. It was a price he was willing to take. Maybe he should try to take a nap during the lunch break. It would certainly make him feel better. Or maybe rip himself out of the tight gigai and find some Hollows to slay, that would help burn off some steam and- 

"Abarai-kun?" A small voice spoke softly. Turning his head Renji faced Inoue who wore a bright smile. "I was wondering if you would like to join us for lunch today?" She waited for his response. Not this again. Everyday she would ask him to join the rest of their friends on the roof top to eat in peace, occasionally discussing further preparations for Aizen's next attack. Renji never brought a lunch and the thought of food made him feel nauseous. But he politely refused her offer too many times already, making up stories of fake hollow attacks or calls from Soul Society. Renji bit the inside of his cheek slightly ashamed of himself for lying to Inoue who only had the best intentions.

"Actually..." Scratching the back of his head he tried not to look at her as he tried to think up an excuse.

"Great, lets go then," Clapping her hands together cheerfully, Inoue ran out the door before Renji could say anything else. Damn, now he would have to go. Frowning, he dug his hands into his pants pockets reluctantly following the orange haired girl.

* * *

"Ah, I can't believe we have that math test tomorrow, I didn't have time to study for it!" Ichigo exclaimed, as he poke the small straw furiously into the defenseless juice box. Rukia rolled her eyes, clearly not amused by the teenagers outburst. 

"Well that's your fault and you know it," she grinned when he shot her a glare. Chad and Inoue chuckled softly and Ishida only shook his head. They ate and laughed, the atmosphere around them was comfortable and peaceful. Unbeknownst to them, their older friend stood his distance from the others, not quite feeling relaxed, another nauseating feeling settling in the pit of his stomach.

Renji leaned against one of the metal poles connected to the chain link fence, staring blankly at the sky noticing the once blue sky slowly being swallowed up by the darkening clouds. The sight could describe his feelings at the moment, feeling his body, mind and soul engulfed by the cold darkness, holding him tightly. Allowing his eyes to close, he felt himself shiver. Why was this so unbearable? Why was it so difficult to be around them, to be around her...Rukia. He wished they were children again. Playing and laughing, only caring about one another.

"Renji?"

Holding his breath, he tilted his head slightly, forcing a grin. "Oi Rukia, what's up?" Everyone turn to face him. He felt out of place suddenly. No this was never his place to begin with.

"Did you forget to bring a lunch again?" Rukia asked him, never once taking her eyes off him slight annoyance and perhaps concern lingering in their dark depths.

"_You're an idiot to think she cares about you,"_ The voice in the back of his head echoed. Renji changed his mind about wanting her to look at him, a feeling of anxiety rushing through his veins was almost too much.

"Uh..." What could he say?

"You really are an idiot aren't you," Ichigo mumbled before taking another sip from his juice box. Renji shot him a glare, gritting his teeth.

"I was in a hurry this morning, a few Hollow bastards got in my way," he lied, it was okay though, Renji always lies especially to this particular group. They wouldn't notice anyway, Renji just had to keep on smiling and goof around and no one will notice. But with Ichigo around, the silliness died, the anger and hate took over.

"Just doing my job, unlike some people I know..." Dark red orbs staring at Ichigo with a dangerous glint as if challenging him.

"Nani, you calling me lazy you ass!" By now the substitute shinigami stood up, a fist raised. "You're the one always lying around, sleeping late, whining and complaining about Hollow attacks!" The tattooed Death God would have to disagree. He complained because he was tired of fighting. Sleeping was never an issue because he never did anymore. _It's funny how you could be so wrong Ichigo. _The red head thought darkly.

Before the tension began to rise another voice spoked up, "Would you two stop arguing already?" Rukia frowned, crossing her arms tightly against her chest. "I swear you both act like children and not shinigamis!"

"Hey he started it!" Ichigo shouted back, a finger pointed directly at Renji.

_Well, actually you're the one who called me an idiot so technically you started it. _Renji tighten his hands into fists.

"I don't care if he did you both need to stop fighting." Rukia continued her lecture.

_You don't care what I do... _Shaking his head, the tattooed teenager looked away, knowing exactly how this conversation would end, he himself on the losing side.

As usual...

"Look, I'll try to keep cool alright?" the orange spiky boy finally agreed. Rukia smiled, eyes sparkled with glee and warmth. Even in an argument Ichigo could make her smile.

How he hated that. And that was how it ended. She would smile and Ichigo would win.

As usual...

The dismissal bell rang loudly informing the students to head back to class. The small group on top of the school roof stood to stretched, breaking into a small conversation about plans for the evening, leaving Renji out of their discussion. It was alright though, they were planning a study session at the strawberries house, something he would rather not be involved with. Who would want an annoying loud mouth stray staring at Rukia for company anyways? No, they want someone better, stronger, not weak or stupid. Not him.

"**Outsider!" **

A voice hissed in his head. Flinching from the harsh words, he stood still watching his best friend from the corner of his eye, once again walk away from him. Laughing and joking with the human.

It just wasn't fair.

His shoulders tensed, watching the group disappear behind the door. Renji swore he saw Rukia look back, no that was false hope, the dog crying for attention. Suddenly the world fell into silence, the echo of the steel door shutting remaining as a memory as the sky darkened. Soon he was alone again, always alone. Shuddering slightly he fell back against the chain fence sliding onto the ground.

"Maybe she'll come back to get me," he whispered to himself, trying to make sense of everything. "Cause she wouldn't leave a stray behind, she's so kind, Rukia wouldn't leave me behind right..." Bringing his legs ups against his chest, Renji circled his arms around his shins lowering his head between his tone arms.

"Don't think like that, not now...no stop don't think like that," the shinigami voice quivered, his frame shook violently. Renji felt his heart ache over and over again, the feeling was unbearable.

"She'll be back, she'll be back, she'll be back..." He choked, thunder rumbling above.

"Rukia will come back, Rukia will come back, Rukia will come back,"

Renji rocked his body back and fourth, looking like a man reeking of insanity. Rain pelted the ground. He smiled grimly.

"She wouldn't leave a stray out of the rain, Rukia is so nice and sweet and..." Renji tighten his lips, the school bell rang, students quickly ran out of the building to seek shelter at home. A boy with orange spiky hair and a small girl with black hair shared an umbrella, laughing and joking.

And Renji watched them...

And watched them walk around the street corner...

And he knew, that he was just a stray left out of the rain.

* * *

**That's all I have for now.**

**Awe poor Renji but I can't help myself. He is just full of angsty goodness! Anyways sorry about the lack of updates. But I will update the next chapter soon. Thanks for the lovely reviews that feeds my muse. **


	3. Chapter 3: Abhorrence

(**A/N) This story is set after the Arrancar arc but before the Hueco Mundo arc. This fanfiction contains angst and dark themes not suitable for younger viewers. Rating may change. **

**Title: Transgress Prevarication**

**Pairings: Renji/Rukia, slight hints of Rukia/Ichigo **

**Rated T for angst, language, violence.**

**Summary: Misunderstandings commits the fall of wickedness. One shinigami violates the law of God, a faux pas, falling deeper drowning in his own sin. How can you breathe?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or the characters.**

Blah - talking

_Blah - thoughts_

_**Blah - Flashback**_

**Chapter 3: Abhorrence **

* * *

The only sounds that could be heard in the Urahara shop was the heavy rain continued pelting against the roof, curses and grunts of pain that belonged to one particular shinigami.

Renji hissed in pain, his free hand clutching his chest. Normally lifting the small laundry basket from the small cramped laundry room floor would be a simple. But the shinigami only caused his wounds to reopen once again because of said task. It was a pathetic attempt to get his uniform washed and dried that ended in complete failure. Now here he was, bent over on his knees, one hand supporting his weight while the other clutching his chest, helplessly trying to stop the bleeding.

"Fuck..." he growled, an overwhelming feeling of dread weighing heavily on his shoulders. Renji tried to muster enough strength to push himself up only to end up slipping forward ripping open sensitive tissue. The red head cried out, a cold feeling crawling down his spine. Shuddering violently he gulp deep breaths, remembering that he would have to stay calm so his body would not react to the sudden shock. Unfortunately his throat tighten and the sick foul feeling return with full force. Slapping both hands on the cold floor, Renji's breath hitched before retching loudly, emptying whatever what was left in his stomach all over the ground. The sickening taste of bile and blood lingered in his mouth, the floor covered in crimson.

"Shit," Renji's voice cracked as he fell to his side. Squeezing his eyes shut, he focused on the rain tapping on the roof above and cool floor against his warm skin. It was soothing for some reason.

The tattooed man was only half consciously aware that he was still lying on his side in the tiny laundry room. Once excruciating pain soon fading to a dull numb feeling. Staring half lidded at nothing, Renji took great consideration in his situation. Groaning he shakily sat on his knees grimacing from the foul taste in his mouth and the new mess on the tile floor. _I need a mop..._

* * *

The quiet seconds quickly formed into minutes to near an hour as Renji realized that he had cleaned the once bile covered floor for the fourth time. _Nothing wrong with cleaning,_ he assured himself as he reluctantly tucked the cleaning supplies away in the cabinet. Correction, nothing wrong with cleaning blood and vomit from the curious leering eyes of the occupants living in the shop. Pausing his movements, floor cleaner clutched in mid air, Renji brows furrowed from the thought. He never hid his injuries before, so why would this time be any different? Although it has been awhile since he allowed anyone to tend to his wounds.

"I don't want to be a hindrance that's all..." Biting his lip, the tattooed shinigami mentally slapped himself for speaking his thoughts out loud. Another annoying habit he has been picking up in the human world. Closing the cabinet door he couldn't suppress the deep chuckled emitting from his throat. It seems the human world was the blame for most of his problems these days. But that was how humans would act, place the fault of their own mistakes upon someone else. Such selfishness to ease the pain and humiliation. Either Renji was spending too much time with the living, or his gigai was affecting his mental capacity.

Grasping the laundry basket as if it were his lifeline, Renji slowly made his way into his bedroom. Once the familiar click from his shutting door was heard, the sound of ringing bells from the shop door slamming opening from the other side of his room echoed. The shop was alive once again, Urahara's voice full of glee and optimism followed by small footsteps that pattered across the store. The red head hung his head letting out a sigh of relief relaxing his tense shoulders he didn't realized where hunched.

Turning away from the damned door, Renji began his unfinished task of caring for his laundry. Folding each garment carefully he placed them neatly in the small dark dresser. Not many knew but Renji was a bit of a neat freak. Of course that was mainly because of Rukia. She would always pester him for leaving his shinigami uniform scattered across his bedroom floor, or not putting away his garbage.

"_**Honestly Renji you're a lieutenant, so you better damn well learn how to make your bed!" The small petite shinigami had her hands place on her waist while scolding him, a playful expression dancing in her eyes. **_

Smiling from the memory, Renji whistled a happy tune while he folded his favorite black shirt. It took a few months but the shinigami finally was able to grasp fashion sense. Meaning that Rukia no longer dressed him up. Even though the red head felt like a doll being heavily abused by a hyperactive five year old girl, he would always let Rukia make him wear the ugliest, tackiest, weirdest clothing he had ever seen. It was worth the embarrassment because in the end, she would smile brightly and thank him for wearing the outfits she chose specifically for him.

He was use to her creativeness. As children she would place flowers in his hair or ribbons (mostly torn or tattered) to make him look more _appealing_. Renji held a laugh. Yes Rukia always did silly things to him, but she would laugh and his world would soar. Rukia had the most beautiful laugh, and cutest giggle. He couldn't remember the last time he heard her giggle but he was glad she still laughed. Not only laugh, but smile. The perfect smile matching perfect dark blue eyes deeper then the midnight sky. Her creamy white skin, soft raven hair. Yes Rukia was-

Renji froze. His hands shook as he placed one over his chest, feeling his heartbeat quicken its pace. He knew he was blushing from the heat he felt in his cheeks.

"Stop thinking about her," he hissed to himself. Thinking only led to thoughts surrounding her, no matter how happy the memories of them were he would always end up feeling depressed and worried. _Did she make it home safely...? It's still raining, I hope she didn't get wet..._

_**A boy with orange spiky hair and a small girl with black hair shared an umbrella, laughing and joking.**_

Red eyes darkened, hands clenched tightly against his sides.

"She's with him...so she'll be fine," Yes Ichigo took good care of Rukia and she loved him for that. Coldness seeped into his veins numbing his heart. _She cares about him so what. The human brat makes her happy so that's all that matters. Rukia...will come back I know it. _

But come back for what he wondered.

A wave of dizziness hit Renji with full force. Placing both hands against the dressers wooden surface for support, the red head let out a shuddering breath. Once the lightheadedness subsided he let out deep breath before taking one in. His body felt slightly uncomfortable and his face felt warmer then usual. _Maybe all this stress is finally taking its toll. _There was a knock.

"Ano...freeloader-san are you here?" A short pause, Renji hesitated for a moment but finally replied although his voice was a faint whisper.

"Yes, what is it Ururu?" Silence again, why wasn't she responding? After a pregnant pause she broke the quiet tension unbeknownst to them.

"It's time for dinner, you said you would join us this evening remember?" Ah yes, that he did. But after the laundry incident he lost all appetite for the rest of the week.

Beep...Beep...Beep...

His communicator detected a Hollow in the area, music to his ears.

"Gomen, but unfortunately I have to kick some Hollow ass," Another lie. But it was easy to lie remember?

There was a shuffle from behind the door, and Renji's ears perked from the whispers behind it.

"Can't someone else take care of it..." the meek girl was so quiet, Renji bearly heard what she said.

"Can you repeat that, didn't quite catch that last part," Perhaps it was hopeful thinking, the mutt longing for attention again. _Pathetic..._

"I'll save you a plate," She spoke louder this time, her voice almost sounding sad. _Don't fucking pity me dammit! _Burying those harsh thoughts he cleared his throat.

"Ah...yes well-

"Have a safe night Renji-san..." And she left, her little footsteps disappearing. Staring dumbfounded at the door, Renji closed his eyes, the strange angry emptiness feeling returned suddenly.

* * *

"Howl, Zabimaru!" Releasing his zanpakuto into it's shikai form, Renji swung the blade towards the huge Hollow feeling great satisfaction when the blade made contact with the demon, blood gushing from the broken mask before it's form turned into dust. Oh the shinigami was angry, not only were these Hollows annoyingly difficult to kill, but they came in great numbers. He almost regretted leaving without dinner, a nice hot meal would be wonderful. Though the pains in his stomach would never allow it.

Swinging back he sliced through another group of smaller Hollows, their horrific screams brought a grin to Renji's lips.

"Scream you bastards!" Yelling out he slashed another beast, digging his sword deep within it's body, ripping the creatures insides out. Blood splattered over his uniform and face but the red head didn't care. He only wanted to cause more pain for them, wanted them to suffer.

Forcing his body back he somersaulted unto a empty rooftop, his hands raised to perform a Kidou spell.

"Wave of Destruction Number 31, Red Flame Cannon!" Bright bursts of red energy shot from his hands, exploding on contact with the Hollows. _Only a few more to go! _

Gripping the hilt of his zanpakuto he leapt into the air unleashing his wrath upon the helpless beasts. One by one they each disappeared turning into black dust. One crab looking Hollow shot a claw out slicing across Renji's torso. The shinigami was filled with adrenaline and anger and payed no heed to his wound, only the same mantra repeating over in his head. _Kill them, kill them, kill them! _

Moving back he pushed all his energy into his sword. God it felt good to take out his frustration on these weaklings. But it wasn't enough. Blood sprayed and bones were crushed but Renji didn't stop, not until they're all dead. All of them...

_Kill them, kill them, kill them..._

With a inhuman growl Renji through his fist into one of the Hollows mask breaking it, more appeared. Another wave with his sword he cut the razor sharp tentacles that crawled at his legs digging the hilt into the monsters head. His breath grew erratic, sweat dripped off his brow and Renji was having the time of his life. A screeched behind caught him off guard, quickly he spun around and attacked, Zabimaru deeply embedded in the Hollows head before it disappeared. Renji's face twisted into a sick smile ready to launch another attack. The mantra continued until...

_Kill them all, kill them all, Kill them, kill them, kill him! _

Gasping from the last word he froze from his spot in the middle of the paved street, his arms shaking, eyes wide. The Earth stopped spinning the rage diminishing. He stood as still as a statue, he legs quivered refusing to move. His mind betrayed his body, the dark thoughts lingering in dark depths. _Kill him? Kill...Ichigo!? _

"No...no, no...not him, that was b-by accident, I don't want to hurt him he's my friend he's my-

Suddenly the rush was gone and searing pain spread through his body. The new wound across his torso gushed blood, his ankle ached and Renji had no doubt that he sprained it. But the pain wasn't what hurt the most, it was the hate and suffocating feeling inside his mind. Zabimaru slipped from between his fingers, clattering against the cold surface as Renji's knees met the same fate. He shook violently, eyes staring at nothing refusing to look at anything. There was a loud growl from the remaining Hollows as they approached the injured shinigami, but he didn't move. To much pain, his arms ached as he wrapped them around his bleeding torso. It hurt so damn much. A loud growl and Renji shut his eyes awaiting the final blow.

"Getsuga Tenchou!"

A powerful blast shot into the air vaporizing the remaining Hollows surrounding the area. All was left was the remaining screams from the beasts until the night fell into silence. Someone was calling his name.

"Renji!" Lifting his head weakly, he watched Rukia and Ichigo run towards him. _Oh just great..._

"Baka why didn't you call us for help?" Rukia's voice was loud, she was very close to him. _Hi Rukia how've you been? Nice to see you too... _Renji scowled, it wasn't exactly the friendliest way to greet a friend.

"Oi, looks like you took quite the beating," Ichigo grinned, a smug look on his face, "What's wrong, you can't take on those weaklings?" Normally, before all the hate and anger consumed the red heads soul he would retort back with an angry jibe of his own but instead he sat there remaining on his knees staring blankly at the orange hair shinigami brat.

Ichigo was taken back from the expressionless look, cranking his head to the side to examine his injured friend.

"_Maybe they did get him good, he's not even yelling back at me,"_ The young teenager thought, before Rukia's troubled voice broke through.

"Renji...you're covered in blood," She knelt before Renji reaching a hand out to touch his cheek. Flinching from the soft touch Renji staggered back to his feet, no matter how much his body protested, backing away from both shinigami's.

"I'm fine!" He snapped, he didn't mean to yell but he couldn't stand the sight of them together. _I'm fine, I'm fine just fine. _Looking back at Ichigo his tough mask slightly cracked, pain evident in his dark eyes. _I wanted him to die, but I'm fine really. It was a little slip up, I don't want him to die. I don't want to kill him, I don't...I don't-_

"I'm fine God dammit!" But the comment wasn't meant for Rukia for Renji was staring at Ichigo with wide eyes, snarling. Holding his hands up in defense, Ichigo took a step towards the enraged red head whispering softly.

"What's wrong Renji?" Renji choked, clutching his shoulders tightly to stop his hands from shaking from Ichigo's concern words.

"**Lies, lies ,lies!" **That cruel voice was back.

Rukia stood beside the Zangestu wielder, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. Her and Ichigo exchanged a worried glance. Jealousy burn deep into Renji's core, the lightheadedness returned with full force the pain was too much.

Last he remembered was the light in Rukia's eyes as she sought Ichigo for answers, and he finally realized in his sweet content of confusion that his knees gave out and he slowly slipped into consciousness with one thought in mind.

_I hate Ichigo..._

* * *

**Holy mother of God that took forever. First off, I shall beg for forgiveness as I am now attending school and work at the same time. So I had been putting this chapter off for some time now. But now, I got my groove back! Thank you for the lovely reviews. **


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